Hi, I am in a real delima. My two oldest children are in college and it seems like every month they are short on money and asking for help. I already pay their medical insurance, their auto insurance, their book fees and a monthly allowance of $100.00 each (which I know isn't alot but it's what I can do).  Anyway, each month one way or another they end up asking for more help.  When is enough - enough.  Do I need to just start telling them a flat no more or is it my job (responsibility) to keep handing more money to them?  Any suggestion on how to handle this situation would be appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

What are they doing to help their own situation?

whats the extra money for? Because i'm in college, and i get very minimal help from my parents (by that i mean a max 100 bucks a month) and i pay for college, books, car, insurance, medical and such. Maybe they should look for a campus job.

If they don't have jobs, the next check you send should have a note in the memo suggesting they get one.

My parents never loaned me money unless they knew I was doing everything I could to handle my living situation.  They'd always say "People only like to help people who are tying to help themselves."

If you ever have to draw the line, draw it where you can't afford it.  It sort of puts things in perspective.  Again with my situation, I have had times where I asked for help and all my parents could give was an apology.  Those situations are long gone, and I can easily say that I am still housed, fed, and healthy.

This is a tough question to answer without knowing all the specifics, i.e.  what's the money for?, do they really need it?, why are they going over budget every month?, do they have jobs?, do you always say yes?, do you feel like they have a decent appreciate for a dollar?.   I think that one of our main 'responsibilities' as parents is to teach our children responsibility themselves.  I am incredibly generous with my daughter and so I don't feel bad saying no.  If I do agree to give her extra money, I'll often preface it by saying if she desperately needs it now, I'll give her next months allowance in advance.  She often decides to go without instead of going short next month.  Play it by ear, but I suggest that if you give them a few extra dollars, you're clear by saying that the allowance is $100 per month.  If they need to eat ramen noodles for lunch every day to save a few dollars, they won't starve, and they won't be doing anything we all didn't do at some point.  They'll figure out ways to save money when they know you're not able to provide them with more. It's amazing how quickly kids will ask their friends to hand them a dollar or two for gas when they're driving the gang somewhere.  Good luck.

My recommendation would be to sit down with them (don't know how often you seem them maybe during a school break?) and show them what the situation is.  It shouldn't take long to see how much money the student has coming in from financial aid + parents, and then compare with outgoing (rent, utilities, food, tuitiion, etc).  Then show your contributions to their education.

Many students (myself in college) had a simple cash flow problem - outgoing exceeded incoming each month.  Even if I starved I would have need some parental assistance - even when working part time.  This problem is easily made worse by lack of discipline/education on the students part by spending on non-essentials, entertainment etc.

If both of you are on the same sheet of music it should not be too difficult to come up with a feasible solution, i.e student cuts back/parent gives less - the key here is to make the issue real for your children.  It is too easy for them to ask for cash when they do not understand the financial sacrifice you have made to support them each month (and by this i mean seeing it on paper, the numbers are hard to argue against).  The earlier the student recognizes that this is a real situation/problem the better able they will be to take responsibility of their financial lives instead of continuing to rely on others for support.

Hi all and thank you for your responses.  After reviewing them I think that I have the general feeling that I am just being too big a softie.  And you are right, I seldom question why they need the extra. I think that especially with my daughter (which is the one always coming up the shortest) I need to sit down with her and really go through a full month budget with her.  By the way, yes they both work and they are great kids that I am very proud of. My son is in his third year at DeVry and my daughter is studying to be a nurse.  So, I have no complaint there. Neither of them is living high on the hog or partying ( I kinda raised a couple of nerds) so that's not it either.  I really think it is just fast food and the high price of gas and in general living expenses that are the culperts. But, your right I need to step up to the plate and stop just handing more to them and make them responsible for the why they need more.  Thanks, you all are great.

Hi Sher,

Great question . . . I hate to suggest this (because I still grumble when I think of my dear sweet parents doing this ;-), but why not have them keep an expense log of their allowances . . . LOL having to show Mom that I bought a $4 coffee everyday, kind of killed the caffeine buzz for me . . .  it's just like keeping an expense report.

And no, I don't think it's violating their privacy ---if what they're spending on is such a secret, then they probably shouldn't be using your money!!!  Plus, if they really NEED more money that will become evident quickly, too! 

It sounds like you're taking great care of them... they also sound like they're pretty responsible, too.

(-:

Last edited by cluttercutie (2007-08-22 18:01:10)

Money does not just fall out of the sky. It is the fruit of someones effort most times.. With this said anybody has far more appreciation making a saccrifice labor or effort to achieve the reward or fruit of ones labor. One idea would be chores or projects around the home.  Life is much like a bank account. If your withdrawls exceed ones deposits someone feels used in this case it is yourself and rightfully so.

  However fast forward 30-50 years and the table will be turned you we be dependant on them and others, hope this helps.